This one isn't getting a typical header. It's not worth my time.
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First of all, the only reason I saw this film is because I wanted to be "in" on the phenomenon. I wanted to know why this is as big as it is. Shame I'll never get those two hours back.
I had a thought: When I see Fifty Shades of Grey, I'm going to write my review like erotic prose. It'll be funny. And I probably won't like the movie that much, so it'll be fun. Right?
Wrong. I'm going to say it outright: Fifty Shades of Grey might be the worst movie I have ever seen.
Ever.
It doesn't deserve the attention and detail that I could provide to something funny like that. Hell, it barely deserves my time right now! The only reason I'm writing this is because I'm pissed off. At the very least, I should be telling people to not see this film under any circumstance.
Where should I begin? With the laughably generic dialogue? The unappealing sex scenes? The stunning lack of chemistry between the two largely unlikable and unsexy lead actors? The soundtrack? The fact that it's unintentionally funny?
Or I could just say what everyone else has said about the film: Possessiveness and abuse is disguised as BSDM and tries to make it romantic.
The lead character is a creepy and manipulative cunt who is so infatuated with this woman, but their relationship never at any point makes any sense. Basically, he manipulates her into trying bondage stuff. Ironically, he tells her multiple times that he's not the kind of guy who can handle normal relationships, but there are only like 2 bondage scenes in the whole film.
Even worse, he stalks her and won't leave her alone. Like, across the fucking United States won't leave her alone. Happens a bunch of times. Seeing the abuse angle here?
It makes no sense whatsoever. Nothing in this film makes any sense whatsoever. And nothing in this film is sexy at all.
In fact, this is one of those incredibly rare films that was even worse than my expectations. And truthfully, I can't think of a single film that has accomplished that feat. So congrats, Fifty Shades, you've just set the bar lower than any other film. Ever.
This film is a fucking disgrace. At the very least, I feel good about getting into the film for free. This movie does not deserve your money.
Here's a better idea:
Go see Kingsman: The Secret Service instead. Sam Jackson has a lisp, Colin Firth is an action hero, and it has the best use of whip-zooms, speed-ramps, and Lynyrd Skynyrd's Free Bird. See that instead! You'll actually enjoy it!
Fifty Shades of Grey: 1/10
