I wrote each blurb after I watched each movie to keep it fresh in my head. Hopefully you'll see the progression of my disbelief over time.
You will notice this does NOT include Furious 7, as my review for that will be published in The Columbia Chronicle in a couple of weeks.
The Fast and the Furious (2001)
It's dumb and mindless, but it's fun. Paul Walker is a shitty actor. Like, really bad. I know he's young and I guess he gets better maybe? But for now he's just awful. I didn't expect him to be a detective, though. That was a nice surprise. And how that works in with the rest of the series should be kind of interesting. It's not a great movie by any stretch, but it's still somewhat entertaining.
5/10
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
Why did anyone think it would be a good idea to swap Vin Diesel with Tyrese Gibson? I guess they couldn't book Vin, but whatever. It's not much better than the first, but it has a different energy. Paul Walker is slightly less annoying, thank god for that. Ludacris' does one of those songs with the title in the movie and I just have no words... Slightly less dumb fun than the first. Biggest surprise: It's got Deadly Little Miho from Sin City! Too bad nobody gets beheaded.
4.5/10
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)
Fucking. Awful. I don't know where to begin. Probably with the lead actor, Lucas Black. The dude was in his early 20s when the movie was shot, but his character is supposed to be 17. Problem is, he looks like he's 30. Some actors, like Andrew Garfield in The Amazing Spider-Man, can get away with playing a teen while being in their 20s. Not this guy. At all. And his southern accent is terrible. Nope. So much nope. The only likable character is Han, who gets whacked near the end of the movie. I know that it's supposed to come after Fast and Furious 6 and before Furious 7. It's still awful.
4/10
Fast & Furious (2009)
They need to be a bit more consistent with the titles. Dropping "the" isn't enough. But that's not important. What is important is that this movie kind of sucks much like the others before it. But this is the only one that feels like a true sequel to the original. It has Vin and Paul squaring off, after not seeing each other for several years. It's kind of fun to watch them be reunited. But what confuses me is Paul Walker's character. He's an FBI agent? After being disgraced, like, twice now? Who would give him a gun and a badge after all of the shit he's pulled? And then in the final moments he turns into a criminal, breaking out his friend from prison. It makes no sense, considering they had been at each others throats until the last 20 minutes of the movie. His character arc makes no sense, but fuck it. I hear Fast Five is actually supposed to be good.
3.5/10
Fast Five (2011)
Wow... I'm actually impressed. I expected this to be pretty good based on what everyone has said about it. Unlike the other films, Fast Five is, simply put, a well made movie. It's not the best Hollywood blockbuster out there, but it redefines the whole franchise. It's not about racing anymore, it's a full-blown and REALLY absurd heist movie. And, for once, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Maybe it's because it brings together cast from previous installments. Maybe it totally ignores physics in the most hilarious way possible. Maybe they actually have a focused plot that doesn't feel all over the place like literally all of the other ones. It's just a fun movie, and I didn't hate myself while watching.
8.5/10
Fast & Furious 6 (2013)
The moment when Letty reappears and shoots Dom is the most anti-climactic moment in the series. For some dumb fucking reason, there was no dramatic weight to it whatsoever. Come on, dude. Tyrese getting burned while having the loudest mouth is hilarious. The dude just can't catch a break. I would watch two hours of just that. The plot is super boring, though. After a while I forgot that they were trying to protect a microchip thing, because all they did was talk about the guy. I can't figure out why this one got really good reviews. Sure, it's better than everything before Fast Five, but it's very whatever. It's good, but not great.
7/10
Here are some observations I had about the series as a whole.
- The Rock is sweating profusely in 95% of the scenes he is in, even if nobody else is.
- The first three movies were probably written by 10 year olds playing with Hot Wheels.
- The second three movies were probably written by 16 year olds playing GTA V.
- The entire series is like a giant "fuck you" to physics. Why? The vault heist in Fast Five. Enough said. If I remember correctly, Ludacris said it was TWELVE tons. I assume that does not include the hundred million dollars in cash that's inside. Jesus...
- Somehow, getting into a car accident doesn't stop anyone. In fact, the only time a character gets hurt in an accident is when it serves the story. "Did your car get flipped and fall into a ditch? Oh, it's just Vin Diesel, he can't die just yet." Then it's like, "hey, that bad guy only got into a minor crash, but the car EXPLODES so we don't need to worry about him anymore."
- With the exception of Deadly Little Miho and Han, every Asian character is a villain. Correct me if I'm wrong.
- The black cop in the first two movies is Michael Jordan's dad in Space Jam.
- Quick shots of the drivers shifting gears are copy and pasted throughout the series. Not literally, of course, but within the movies they appear. They have to be, right? It's the same thing in every movie.
- Nothing about these movies makes any sense. It's excusable, but only over time. At first, the movies take themselves very seriously. Thank god they stop that shit about halfway into the series.
- If any actor has any muscle tone at all (namely The Rock and Vin Diesel), they are contractually required to have their biceps exposed for at least three quarters of the movie.
- The least realistic thing about these movies is when The Rock punches someone, they don't die. If The Rock punches you, you're basically dead. Come on. Least realistic thing ever.
Okay, so those are my thoughts on the franchise. It's a pretty mixed bag of shit with the exception of five being pretty fun. I'll have a review of the seventh installment published in The Columbia Chronicle in a couple of weeks, so stay tuned!
